By Terry Ott

As the Macca/Millstone debacle reachs new lows-if that is possible-your dear correspondent thinks he may have a solution.

Recall Mr. T?

You know, the guy that beat the shit outta Rocky, but then got knocked out and turned good?

Well, T has got a new show on TVLand called "I Pity the Fool," in which he helps dysfunctional situations, be they relationships, businesses, or whatever.

He says he likes to "teach fools basic rules."

In the present wank-fest, there are many fools who need learnin' some rules.

What say we all get together and send T a letter and get him over to jolly olde England to assist the McCartney's, in their time of need.

The way it works is Mr. T teaches U-In-T, ACT-CEPT-T-BILITY, and whatever, to get the warring parties back to the table.

If you cross T, however, he beats U up.

"None of dis, 'I kill the bitch,' stuff, fool," T might say.

I pity the fool on the hill who sez no.

Well, well, fookin' well.

Could the REAL Pauly Mac (finally) be seeping out?

Yes of course, the conventional wizdum was always that John was a crazy prick, Paul is/was a lovely guy, George was a mute minion, and Ringo, well...

I've never met any of the above, but one thing I can guarantee is that all so noted are human.

Myths, are not. They are media-made templates with witch to market.

So now, it appears, the dream really IS over.

New info coming to light portrays McCartney-as perhaps BB has from time to time-as a uber-controlling plastic soul twit, who has brought a lot of people down.

All of the fart catchers for Dirk are going on and on about Heathen Millstone. But what about the other side? Who forced Dirk to marry this creature? Does it not say something about Macca for picking such a crazy person?

And for God's sake, who really cares?

I was attracted-and still am-to the Beatles by their music. NOT, their pathology.

The group has not made a new album since 1969.

John and George are dead.

McCartney has not made an excellent record in over 20 years.

The whole thing now is a wank, and really does show that money can't buy He love.

Only twisted, sad fame.

The UK tabloid press is reporting, among other things, that Dirk McQuickly intends to embark on a world tour in 2007 with baby in tow, IF Lady Heathen Millstone will allow.

Seems sort of daft to me, though.

It was one thing when Paul and Linder used to bring along the whole tribe just for fun back in the goode olde daze, but methinks this latest nugget-if true-is but a ploy in the never-ending-story-divorce-piss-wank-fest now we have all this.

Dragging along this poor child smacks of sympathy-seeking, and I shant be a part of it.

Therefore, and here within without you, BB shall boycott any tour that Macca brings a babe in arms too.

Unless that is, Ms. Millstone is allowed to accompany the child, along with her personal trainer, Boy.

Billed as The Big Alimony/Settlement World Tour, we nonetheless, nevertheless, wish Dirk well, and remind him that it's getting better all the time.

(It can't get no worse.)

Dear Terry, the 4th best Beatle Blogger, in the whole wide www.,

Thank you for your open later of Oct. 19.

But, as OJ Simpson so famously stated, "I am 100% percent NOT GUILTY!"

Not guilty, of gettin' in her way.

Of fookin' up her day.

I'm really sorry for her achin' head, I only got what I could get, but like I said; not guilty.

And quite frankly, if the cow does not shut up soon, look out! She's comin' down fast.

Yes, she is.

Etc.

Your mate,

Dirk

Dear Dirk,

First off, I feel your pain(s).

I, your dear correspondent and savant, have from time to time in the last 35 years, happened upon the kind of sultry, tempting tart that you appeared to be cocked up with now, and from experience, you can not win, my son.

In addition, I expressly warned you over 4 years ago that you were going to get fooked, in ways other than what you obviously desired.

That warning has now come to pass, with little chance that your ex-or the press-will let it be (Ha!).

So, what to do, what to do?

I have upon this day read the newz, oh boy, and it is bad.

The leaked pleadings-of which with coincidence of course, certain pages are missing, is enough to really make you puke, even if you really didn't before.

Plus, if there is even one teeny-tiny shred of truth in your playmate's allegations, you are, once again, fooked.

But, you still have a shot, mate.

The AP reported yesterday that you stand to lose over 200 mill to this fantasist.

Cut and run, you daft boy!

Consider yourself very lucky if you get out for 200, and grab it now, if you can.

Speaking words of wisdom, cut a deal, cut a deal...

No one would listen to your dear correspondent-the 4th best Beatle Blogger in the whole wide www. as chosen by the London Times-that Paul McCartney should smarten up-yesterday (Ha!) and cut a deal with the very (e)strange(d) Heathen Millstone, ex-wifey.

Because now we have all this.

The Daily Mail was leaked a copy of divorce proceedings filed by Lady Mucca, and whereas Dirk could come up only that Millstone had been "rude to staff," and maybe knicked an item or two, the things Heathen has sworn to are just a tad more serious.

How about: Dirk laying beatings on a preggers Millstone, cutting Heathen with a broken glass, and (ouch!) ordering Millstone not to breastfeed their child because the babylons in question were "his breasts." Double ouch!

Millstone also alleges that Macca likes to get loaded-a lot-and when he is smashed, he is not very nice to be around. You know, demanding his dinner, and stuff like that. Smoking ganja, tripping and falling.

Yet it does not matter a toss if there is not one shred of truth in Millstone's divorce pleadings.

In cases like this, the husband is presumed GUILTY, unless proven otherwise. And since this is a he said, she said type thang, the she said will rule the day. Trust me. Dirk is, how they say in Liverpool, fooked.

Once again, Pauly, cut a deal with Millstone, and fast, or the humilation you have endured to this point will look like complete larking by the time she and her legalists are finished with you.

Prediction: this will cost Dirk at least $300 million dollars to make Millstone go away. Better to pay it now, then to add another 50 mill on for legal wankings.

Yesterday, all your troubles were so far away.

And hey dude; you thought Francie was a handfull!!!

So, we the buying public will be graced with 2 versions of the Love soundtrack.

Buy, buy, buy, Beatle peeple, as that is all you need in 2006: commerce.

Apple/Rutle Corps is calling this thing a "soundscape," and as reported on AbbeyRd, a track list floated out late last week.

A "soundscape" for you young readers is code for mash-up-re-mix.

Looks like parts of about 50 Beatle songs will be used on this project, BUT, as mentioned above, one will have to spring for the "deluxe" edition to get the premise that the whole thing was based on, Surround Sound.

At the Vegas show, the music is presented in what I believe has been described as 7.1, or more.

Yet was this-sans the 5.1-not sort of done 25 years ago with the tedious Stars on 45 release, that morphed a bunch of Beatle tunes into a top 10 hit?

Yech, that was a turkey.

And yes, I know, we have not heard this new Love thang yet, and it might be great for all we know.

But honest now; wouldn't you really rather have had Let it Be (when, when?) on DVD?

I would.

If I only could.

I surely would.

Heathen Millstone, estranged wifey of one Sir Pauly McCartney has been duely observed parading around in a new designer T-shirt that has the slogan, "Love Kills Slowly."

No word yet on what Millstone is getting at, but there could be several plausible explanations.

Could she mean that the Vegas Love show "kills slowly," as in it is a killer show that takes time to take you?

Or could it mean that she thinks that "all you need is love," is in demise over the years?

Maybe it means that she thinks that the cock-up between her and Dirk will kill Him slowly?

Finally, she may mean that love, is slowly worth killing for, especially in court.

Oh the humanity!

As an aside, I would like to direct readers to the Daily Mail website, where they may preen a pix of Millstone in said above mentioned shirt, and BB has but one question:

My dear girl, wot 'appened to yer gorgeous babylons?

Gossip, gossip, gossip: they were lost in LA.

Cleveland Matt said something scary to your dear correspondent today-the 4th Best Beatle Blogger in the Whole Wide WWW According to the London Times-in that he believes Apple/Rutle Corps is devoted to just one major release per year.

Evidence? The Love soundtrack will be the only Rutle C offering for 2006. (Capitol Albums Vol. 2 and Stig stuff was Capitol and Stig stuff, alone.)

So, as BB speculated last week, we may be lucky to see the Beatles EMI back catalogue by this time NEXT YEAR, and oh yeah: whatever 'appened to Let it Be (When, when?) on DVD?

Perhaps in our lifetime. Perhaps.

Yet maybe even scarier is Matt's opinion that we will-when we finally do see the remastered CDs-get a cookie-cutter approach to the reissues. That is to say, straight 24 bit remasters with no bonus material, and no 5.1.

Granted, the average person in North America buying Beatle music looks for the greatest hits, Sgt. Pepper and perhaps the White Album, and could not give a toss about anything else, except maybe half of the buyers willing to spring for the UK titles. Maybe.

So those of us waiting, say, for a 5.1 Sgt. P may end up waiting longer than 20 years ago today.

Which is a shame because even though DVD-A and SACD appear to be the Betamax of digital formats, major artists are still offering packages that offer a remastered CD, AND a DVD with the material in 5.1, with either video, or still photos.

So, will the brilliant TOUP boys-soon to spring the Past Masters in DTS-be the only Beatle 5.1 in town?

I 'ope not.

Well, well, well.

John Lennon woulda been 66 today if crazy fate had not intervened

(Notwithstanding the fact that any number of diseases could have claimed him as he aged. Another, simple, twist of fate we all must face.)

People always like to ask, "what would John do?"

Who knows? I guess it would depend on the situation.

And also, "what would he be doing," one year past Social Security?

Well, considering that widow Yoko has been (still) a whirling dirvish of activity-and also assuming that they would have still been together-I'd reckon that Johnny L would still be making some kind of music. And of course commenting as rock's elder statesman.

(I'm sure Mr. Bush would not be one of his faves, yet as a New Yorker, he may have looked to the president for leadership right after 9/11.)

I also doubt vey much that he would be carrying on like Dirk McQuickly, and even though the walrus was Paul, John might have begun to resemble one, as he probably would have aged, gracefully, and naturally.

Instead, he is forever frozen youthfull in time, an icon that will never fade.

May he rest in peace, which is all you ever need.

Well, the deluxe edition George Harrison Living in the Material World CD/DVD mini-box finally made it up to the great white north of Canuckistan yesterday.

The Eskimos and I were skiing in the streets!

Yes, the wankers at EMI Canada forced me to buy both editions, as I wanted to provide BB readers with at least a timely review of the essential album last week, and also because I am cut off by said wankers because of something I wrote for the National Post in 1999 (!).

(For the curious, this article on a withdrawn Sgt. Pepper box set originally skedded for 1997, is still posted on AbbeyRd. Search Pepper box.)

In any bloody event, I want to give a high rating to the deluxe LITMW package-especially the booklet et al and the replicating of the original record labels on both discs-but also wish to complain that the DVD is basically underwhelming.

It clocks in at about 15 minutes (!) and only contains one 5.1 mix.

Although I did think the bit at the record stamping plant was neat, that would have made a nice little extra rather than a feature.

Obviously, they are saving the good stuff for a future DVD/CD release. But how many times can the true fans be expected to buy this stuff?

Perhaps the Stigsters will listen and give us more, give us some bang for a buck when Dark Hoarse and Extra Texstra arrive sometime before the 22nd century.

Or the 22 1/2 in Canuckistan.

You know, call me a tea-crazed lower working-class 4th best Blogger in the www, traitorous twit, but I still don't get it.

I just don't get how the rocket scientists at Apple/Rutle Corps can get Sir George Martini to get back-ha!- into the EMI vaults and construct "sound collages" of Beatle songs in 2006 24 bit digital technology for a Love soundtrack, whilst the UK Beatles back catalogue lives on in torture CD sheit hell.

Even the press release that Apple/Rutle sent out today/yesterday-ha!- was daft.

Some self-serving wanking, and then a tracks to follow promise.

You mean to tell me that for a skedded November release, they still don't know the tracks as of right now? Bollocks!

And the PR weasels make no mention of 5.1. for what appears to be a glorified mash-up-mix-remix Beatles tape, so I am totally underwhelmed.

To me, this smacks of just another X-Mas time product dump, which probably means we won't see the UK back catalogue until late fall 2007. 20 FOOKIN' YEARS after the first Fabs' CD releases.

Do they have any idea how retarded that is?

For God's sake; Tiny Tim amd the Osmond Family have been bloody remastered!!!!!

But not the greatest pop band in world history.

Sorry, but it's not really all you need is Love, but rather half decent CDs.

Wankers.

According to the Oct. 1 edition of the New York Times, the Beatles are soon to have their White Album artisted by bone(s).

Skull bone(s), that is.

The controversial UK artiste, Damien Hirst-Damien, what else!- plans to utilize 4 human skulls, with a WA motiff, to weird-art the Beatles.

(After all, this is the same guy who pickled a 14 foot Tiger shark for display, and is presently working on another, becasue the first fish rotted.))

Olde Damien sez he might call the thing, "Bigger Than God, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah." And honest, I ain't makin' this up!

Hell, if it's in the NYTimes, it's gotta be true, right? (Jayson Blair notwithstanding)

Still, a little Rutle-like wouldn't you say?

Any old ways, I'm not sure that Mr.Hirst is up on his chronoligical Beatles, as "yeah, yeah, yeah, bigger than God," and the WA are all from completely different Fab era's. Or is that what he is trying to say?

Fooked if I know.